[Cap'n Jib]

We were spending the night at one of the better hotels when I got the idea of doing something a bit different sexually. You know….where both parties hang upside down, by the knees, from a chandelier and as the Administration has forbid graphic descriptions….well…. you know what I am referring to. This is something I’ve always wanted to try but for some reason or other, never had the courage.

I asked her to remove her clothes and she did, while I was removing mine. The room had a magnificent chandelier and I knew the experience would be a magical/memorable one for both of us. Through a series of gestures and limited Spanish, I tried to communicate what I wanted to do. Her response was ‘No nintendo’.

I went through the process again and waived my arms with more force in the hopes she would understand. No such luck. She again replied ‘No nintendo.’

I became really frustrated and spoke much louder and became even more animated. Again ‘No nintendo.’

Being a man of the world, I took it to mean something along the lines of ‘No Period!’

You other worldly types know when a woman says this in English; she means one of three things. First, ‘No Period’ might mean ‘if you were the last guy on earth, I wouldn’t have sex with you.’ Second, ‘No Period!’ might mean ‘it is that time of the month you dummy.’ Third, ‘No Period!’ might mean ‘my period is over, I’m horny, so let’s do it.' Us males are expected to decipher which meaning is appropriate at the time. To be honest, it is at the second definition that most of us guys give up any hope of getting laid. As for the lady, she eventually loses all interest in us because we are too ignorant to understand what she means, becomes sexually frustrated and leaves.

But none of the ‘explanations’ seemed to fit this particular situation. This is the point where I had a brilliant idea. She was obviously referring to ‘foreplay’. She wanted to play Nintendo FIRST and then we would fool around. The idea seemed perverted to me but what the hell…..who am I to say what is perverted? Who indeed!

Got dressed and went out to buy a Nintendo. When I returned and opened it, she gave me a look that meant I was sick or something. Can you imagine! She acted as if she never saw the game before. So I installed it, although only having played it once before, showed her how it worked. She was not the least bit interested in the game.

I again become frustrated and removing all my clothes. This time she removed hers without me asking. She apparently had put them back on while I was out. The fact that she disrobed without my asking, I took it mean she might be starting to understand. I moved a table almost under the chandelier and placed a chair on top of the table. Still the same vacant look in her eyes. Obviously, I would have to demonstrate EXACTLY what I had in mind. Carefully I climbed the table and chair and got up on the chandelier and hung upside down. The whole time she kept repeating ‘tenga cuidado’ which I knew from past experience meant practice safe sex. Thought she was getting a bit a head of things but what do I know. And then…..

The chandelier detached itself from the ceiling, with me still attached to it and crashed to the floor of our room. I remember her screaming before becoming unconscious. I came to with her hovering over me just as the door to our room was smashed in. In rushed the hotel manager and a cop. She threw a bed sheet over her head and began screaming. Can’t she do anything else but scream? ‘Course there was that one time when I enjoy her screaming but it hasn’t happened since.

I still couldn’t get up without assistance and so laid there covering myself up as best I could. The manager just stared and said nothing. The cop tried to ask me a few questions but my faculties were not together yet. He then addressed the screaming bed sheet. The voice inside the sheet answered in the octave of a clan member who had not yet reached the age of puberty.

The cop apparently decided to take away the sheet. Where as the sheet might have been willing to answer a few questions in a high pitched voice, it was not about to show its’ face. A (an assumption here) fist shot out from under the sheet and nailed the cop in the head…down he went. Not a knock out punch it’s true but his bell had been rung.

As he got to his feet, he made a move once again toward the screaming bed sheet but then thought better of it…..like NOT without a backup! He was, however, quite capable of giving ME a kick in the ribs….think he sunk one of those floating ones. Having regained his ‘machismo’ by kicking me, he dragged me to my feet to be taken to the police station. I was allowed to grab a bed sheet…NOT the screaming one…the other one. I’m not THAT stupid! Before we left, the cop took all the ladies’ clothes so she couldn’t escape and/or possibly a payback for the punch who knows.

I left in the custody of the cop, with a bed sheet wrapped around me like I was going to a toga party. I assume Caligula looked much the same when he was debauching Rome. During the next two days, was questioned, but never disclosed a thing, primarily because I knew nothing. Even when they brought in the English speaking translator, who if truth be known, was as fluent in English as I am in Spanish…. ninguno,.nada, zipo. They got nothing out of me.

Surprisingly I was released and given a ride back to the hotel. As we were leaving, I glanced at my police record. At the bottom, the reason for release was listed as ‘es estúpido’…...

I knocked at our hotel room door and went inside. There she was sitting at the desk playing that damn Nintendo. I understood by her gestures I was to sit down and shut up while she finished her game. She really had become quite adapt at playing and to think after only two days. I have since tried playing it again but I am all thumbs.

Still do not know what ‘No nintendo’ really means. It could mean ‘no sexo’ as I can not get her to stop playing the damn thing. Now I am the one saying ‘No Nintendo’ but to no avail.