Need feedback on Barranquilleras

[Whitey]

Well, in the case of my buddy's novia, it wasn't bull****. She was young, youngest in the family, still in university, and very fearful of her father's disapproval.

They spent a huge amount of time alone together, but she was not allowed (or was not willing to go against her family's wishes) to stay overnight with him in town, or to travel outside of town without her sister. She had no interest in giving her sister a free ride - that's just how it was.

[Brent]

Salmon -

I think that type of behavior varies depending on the girl, how they were raised, birth order, etc., just like anywhere else, and it is not necessarily a cultural thing.

My novia is a Barranquillera, and I just got back from a 10 day trip to visit her. During the trip, we went to Santa Marta early on a Sunday and came back late the next day. We had initially planned that it would be just the three of us (me, my girl, and her 3-year-old son), but my novia's cousin volunteered to come along to help watch the boy so my girl and I could have some time to ourselves. She tried to pay her own way, but I refused to let her.

My novia is exceedingly frugal, and loves to bargain. She had planned to find a place for us stay for the night when we were in Santa Marta, but my novia's older sister showed up with her boyfriend, and said they wanted to rent an apartment for all of us (now 6 total). They found an incredible deal, and paid for half of the place, even though there were only two of them and four of us (they only used one of the 3 rooms). Plus, they insisted that my novia and I take the best room, the one with the balcony.

Later that night, the four of us went out dancing, leaving my girlfriend's cousin at the apartment watching her son. I felt bad for her, but she really didn't seem to mind. My novia's sister's boyfriend picked the club, paid for us all to get in, and then paid for a bottle of rum that lasted us the whole night. I tried to give him money later, but he just said that it was his treat, and he agreed that I could pay the next time, but who knows when that will be?

In all, I never felt pressured to spend more money than reasonable or to pick up the tab for anyone else. I had such a good time hanging out with my novia's family, that I would love to have them along for any future trips as well.

[Jim]

And that whole 'chaperone' thing? Bull****e. It is often just an excuse to get one more mouth to feed. Many if not most Colombian girls haven't been virgins since they were 15. Harsh maybe, but true.

Sailover nailed this perfectly. FACT, FACT, FACT.

You are potentially the luckiest thing that ever happened in this girls life. If you let her make this decision she will continue to make the decisions. If you put up with this, it is forever. If you want a pretty GF, who runs your life, do things her way. If you don't like this set up, and you indicated you don't, change it. You'll quickly learn if she wants to be your GF or your boss.

[Jim]

Brent,

You are a generous man. My fiancee has a 3-y-o daughter. We have a nanny [her sister] who takes care of her full time so we are never bothered in the middle of the night. And most of the time when we travel, we leave daughter and nanny at home.

This child will have a great life, get good nourishment, lots of love and fun activities. But I wanted to establish early on that our relationship had to be nurtured for me to be happy. I've been with her ten months and we have private time whenever we need it. To give up part of your short trip, is indeed generous.

Of course, a child is way different that the rest of the family. When you date someone with a child, her child WILL be part of your life. That is a fact that hopefully you look forward to. I know my new daughter is the light of my life and the fact that I take care of her makes my relationship stronger. I help the rest of her family but on my terms.

I never felt pressured to spend more money than reasonable or to pick up the tab for anyone else. I had such a good time hanging out with my novia's family, that I would love to have them along for any future trips as well.

I can say this too. My fiancee's family is great and I enjoy spending time with them. Fortunately they are a plane trip away which means this is a twice a year treat.

[Cap'n Jib]

A lot of good advice here. Gosh that Tonk guy is really smart!

I guess I don’t particularly like to paint things with a broad brush….tends to be a bit sloppy. Sails’ comment, along with Jim’s support as being a fact, is not valid within my wife’s family. Simply not true in my experience. That is why I believe in caution when it comes to stating ABSOLUTE facts. Ther are ALWAYS exceptions.

Well having gotten that off my chest how about another tact.

Have you thought about talking to her brother or one of the other family members about you wanting to spend time alone with HER. As you only have a LIMITED amount of time on your visits, and if you express that discussions of a personal nature will not take place UNLESS you spend time alone with her, they may see things differently…or maybe not. Then you should have a much better understanding of…well….where you stand!

[Brent]

Originally Posted by Jim

To give up part of your short trip, is indeed generous.

I didn't give up any of my trip, I just spent some of it with my novia's son, who is a great kid.

[Micky10]

Some of the responses here are NOT good advice, or fair. Each relationship HAS to be dealt with on it's own merit.
I think that both Brent and Whitey said some things that should always be given consideration. And ONLY the person IN the relationship SHOULD know where that line of demarcation is.

"Your first GF decision to include everyone else in your activites is a typical Colombiana behavior and a red flag." - Jim

This is NOT 'typical Colombiana behavior'. There are many very good, quality women in Colombia. Sometimes the inclusion of a family member or friend is for the women's feeling of comfort and security and justifiable. After she has past the initial meeting there is certainly no need for tag-a-longs. IF that is the case, then you are being played. Even at that, there is always that if the women is 'into you', they do like very much 'showing' you off to friends and family, but generally will find a less intrusive way to get that done. That is why ONLY YOU can determine what the truth is on that score. Also, if one is a chump and lame with women (which we all are, just different degrees) you will get your ass kicked righteously anyway.
I hear those that offer the 'the gringo is a prize' and 'she would be lucky to have you'. Those with that attitude are a tad off the mark. Do not think that these women are so stupid as to be unaware of the 'self image' some gringos have as being 'the last cook in the desert' (their saying).
Building a good, real and honest relationship between 'equal' partners, is ALWAYS a work in progress. To think that it is 'easy', 'automatic', 'effortless', would be a mistake that we like to classify as 'Big'.
I will add this. I look at some of the guys, from this past year, Whitey, BenJ, Brent and CK, all in various stages of relationships with Colombian women. I think that ALL of these guys have things in common; realistic, honest, level headed, and PLAYING WITHIN THEIR LIMITS. Meaning; you look at the photos these couples and they LOOK GOOD together. They are not social malcontent fat old ugly ****s trying to bag Irma La Duce. They all seam to be very adept at 'keeping it real'. There may be a great deal to be learned there.
What was the question?

Love - Micky

[LastLion]

Good Post Micky, I think you can tell a lot more than people think, by how they post here and how they use and phrase their words..

You are right about the above mentioned guys, they all look like real couples when I have seen their foto with their novias. Also other than WHITEY I know the guys personally and they are stand up men!

[Sailover]

Didn't I say 'often' and 'many' not always and all? OF course there are exceptions to every experience. But the downsides happen too often to be just one of those things.
Just keep your eyes open and take the advise you will find here as part of a larger package and hopefully YOU will make the right decisions for yourself and not get taken. Many of us have been down the same road and know where the sink holes CAN BE.

[Jim]

But the downsides happen too often to be just one of those things.

This is obvious to most of us who have been doing this a long time. There are lots of experience on this board to back up what you say, Sailover.

I think taking a good picture together is a little easier than actually having a good long term relationship. Being positive and optimist are admirable traits but seeing everything through rose colored glasses does not always lead to good decisions.