Don't be a Dick!

[HonkyTonk]

I have witnessed the violence in both Bogota and Cali, both involving gunfire and available in the archives but kenboone brought up another point that shouldn't need to be discussed, and rarely does, but may need to. I've read several posts about the drunk Americans in Colombia and all I can suggest is to get your ass somewhere else other than where they are. I've found the Colombian people as a whole to be extremely tolerant and peaceful but the following is a definite exception. Anywhere in the world mix alcohol, women, and men and you have a potential time bomb and it will be going off. Now in Colombia mix alcohol, women, men, and gringos and somebody had better be watching your back. It is a very short fuse.

I am adventurous but not stupid. Once I was stupid down there A Colombiano suggested what he called a typical Colombian bar (not disco) to experience a non dancing atmosphere late on a Saturday night. Now, I can't pass for anything other than..you're not from around here are you?..down there. I'm 6'2" 230#, blue eyes, and my friend is a lifelong bodybuilder and it shows. The last thing either of us ever wants is trouble, but we stand out. Our gut told us not to even leave the taxi. This was a very rough side of Cali and when entering this bar red warning flags hit me so fast and furious I must have looked like a pin cushion 99% of Colombianos will leave you alone even in a place like this but that 1% found us in NY minute. Both drunker than Ted Kennedy and 90% of their quarts of rum (?) already gone. I can't understand Spanish well when it it shouted by a very drunk, VERY mean looking Colombiano over the noise of the bar and the slamming of this rum bottle on the table as we passed going to our table. Both of us wondered what the hell we were doing here but ordered 2 Club Colombia's each. I sat facing the original drunk who was quite aways from us, my friend watched my back where the second drunk, Bad Man Jose, was sitting behind me with his girlfriend on his lap. The original drunk was still non stop shouting at me waving that near empty bottle with every word. I have no doubt in their drunken state that my friend and I could have well defended ourselves but what do you think the odds would have been over us winning over the rest of the bar....us being gringos? Hell broke loose when I suddenly find Bad Man Jose's woman at our table, smiling in MY face, rubbing MY arm. I never heard the words she was saying. All I could hear was the anger in her mans shouting and the slamming of HIS rum bottle on the table, all aimed at me! This was all the first drunk needed to bully and shove his way over our table and getting in my face with that bottle of his threatening me. These were definitley 2 very real Colombian badasses! I don't believe I've ever left an unopened bottle of beer in my life but it happened that night. I threw 20,000 pesos on the table and we both took the longest walk of our lives from our table to the door. It may have been in my head, but it then became a shark feeding frenzy with all attention on us as we left. It wasn't any better outside either.

My friend has been a world traveller but said that situation even surpassed some rough stuff in Amsterdam one time. My only point in all this drivel is that, in my opinion, the main ways a Gringo will meet violence is in street crime or will be alcohol/women related.

I used to love this old poster that had a cartoon over each line...See Dick drink...See Dick drive...See Dick get in an accident...DON'T BE A DICK. Just substitute fool in Colombia when it comes to situations like these.

Colombia IS a dangerous country but DO NOT leave your common sense here in the states.

[Bill123]

Are you sure that wasn't one of their strip clubs? For instance, Bogota has many like that where the women go from table to table.

Anyway, another thing to watch out for is getting your drink spiked with something that will knock you out for hours.

[HonkyTonk]

I am and was aware of the spiked drink problem so bottled beer in my sight only. This place wasn't a stripper club unless we came in between it all. This whole episode took 10 minutes or so. This was what I'd call a real dive....a low buck Singapore warf bar. No class at all. I don't doubt you could buy anything there from the women to a hit contract...cheap! I wouldn't even have ever related that incident because it falls into the no brainer places to hang out. It was only related because the mixture of alcohol/women/men/GRINGOS can sometimes be toxic though it is one that most of us have done at safer places like the discos.

[Bill123]

I kind of had a similar experience when my friends dragged me into a Bogota strip club. Everything was so wierd, especially since I had never been in one even up here.

And even though I had been used to paying 1000 pesos or so for a beer, we learned the hard way that in that place they were more like 20,000 pesos!

I couldn't get outa there fast enough!!

I've only gone one night to only one strip club in Colombia (Flores Frescas). However, I lived in Costa Rica for seven months. After about 3 months, my "partner in crime" arrived - George. I was in my late twenties, but George had just graduated from U. of Colorado and was traveling all over Latin America "learning Spanish" and doing his best to deplete his mammoth trust fund before starting law school at Pepperdine the following year.

George was only supposed to stay one month in Costa Rica. He had just finished one month in Mexico & one month in Guatemala. After a month in Costa Rica, he was supposed to move on to other Latin countries - one month in each new country. At any rate, I manage to convince George to instead stay the next 4 months in God's Gift to Gringos: Costa Rica.

Now, one difference between Costa Rica & Colombia is that most Gringos don't go to Costa Rica to get married but often wind up marrying "Ticas" (Costa Rican girls) anyway; in Colombia, Gringos go to get married but often wind up still single. I didn't go to CR to get married, but I came damn close.

George, however, was the bachelor's bachelor. Marriage was the furthest thing from his thoughts. George put quantity over quality, and he liked "bad girls" as much as the next guy. Probably more than the next guy. At least half the Gringos in Costa Rica could be the protagonists of future Jimmy Buffett songs, but ol' George was the king of 'em all.

On the nights that I went out with my novia, George liked to get into as much trouble as humanly possible - especially at the strip clubs. There were 4 upscale strip clubs in San Jose: Olympus, Hollywood, and two others. George, over time, took me to each one - one night apiece. Olympus seemed the best. They had more Colombian strippers.

You see, George liked to walk on the wild side, so he started to date a Nicaraguan stripper from Olympus. But he didn't tell me this. One night, we were in Casa Matute - the best disco for meeting Latinas that I've ever seen. (Sorry. Now closed.) Keep in mind that this place is full of "good girls" from San Jose. That particular night, there was a salsa & merengue competition in one room of Casa Matute. As most know, strippers in Latin America aren't just "dancers" like in the U.S.; they're also "pros" (i.e., prostitutes). It turns out that George's Nicaraguan "novia" that worked as a dancer & pro at Olympus was also a PRO DANCER - of salsa and merengue! That's right! She was competing in the salsa and merengue dance competition that night! (Her dance partner was a homosexual Tico.)

So where's the "punch" line, Biave? Well, I'm getting to that. You have to understand that public displays of affection get really, really out of hand in CR. You go into a disco or bar there, and couples are just groping away with reckless abandon. The stuff on "Skinemax" is tame in comparison to the stuff that goes on publicly in CR bars & discos.

As it turns out (and it turned out the same exact way every night at Casa Matute), George had met a "good girl" at the bar. And they were already at full throttle in grope mode. Now, I didn't know George was dating a Nicaraguan stripper because he didn't tell me. However, the stripper recognized me because I had been to Olympus with George one night. She asked if George was with me, and I hesitated and said that he "maybe" was "somewhere" in the building still but probably left - I already smelled smoke. I didn't recognize her, but I knew something was up.

Well, where there's smoke, there's fire. George and his latest "good girl" were in grope mode at the bar that was on the way to the ladies' restroom. The Nicaraguan stripper - fully equipped with the standard Latina radar that's more powerful than whatever a Stealth bomber has - spots ol' George frolicking at full speed with another woman.

She pulled ol' George away and DECKED HIM right then and there! That's right! The Nicaraguan stripper punched him and laid him out!

So now you know the punch line. Be careful, Gringos! As HonkyTonk said: mixing Latinas, Gringos and alcohol can be a dangerous and explosive cocktail!

Jeff

[HonkyTonk]

Willie..

#1. Nobody leaves the Gringo Board for 3 weeks and doesn't post a trip report. we don't care if you only went to Bayonne N.J.

#2. Could it be that Groper George is aka Bill123 of Bogota bench fame?

#3. If not, then we might want to consider a Farm Aid type show to raise the funds to get Bill into a genuine titty bar here in the US, which he claims never to have set foot in. I know a few low class joints here in Dixie that can wet his feet and the beers don't cost 20,000 pesos. I make no claim to the safety of these fine establishments

Waylon

[Bill123]

Thanks so much, but I think I'll just stay out of such fine establishments!