M(b)aster(ed)

[Cap'n Jib]

Having m(b)aster(ed) the Spanish language, thought it might be of interest to others, not as fortunate as myself, and to benefit from my vast experience and knowledge. As to my credentials:

Example #1
“Papa”
“Yes my daughter”
“Tu no entiende el español. Necesita una cabeza nueva.”
“Thank you my daughter…you are very kind!”

Example #2
“Papa”
“Yes my daughter”
“Tu es muy lento. Le tomará muchos años para aprender el español.”
“Thank you my daughter…you are very kind!”

Example #3
“Jib habla el español perfectamente, pero sólo en su sueño.”
“Thank you my wife…you are very kind!”

As the above testimonials clearly demonstrate, I am eminently qualified in assisting others to conquer the Spanish language. However, having no interest in doing so, I will confine myself to discussing the steps or phases along the way, to achieving such mastery. Most veterans will find this path quite familiar. For the novices embarking on the process, these vital stages of language proficiency will guide you along the way. Let’s begin with:

Ingredients: One beautiful Latina who does not speak English. One (“they call me guapo”) Gringo who does not speak Spanish….(they, of course, do not actually call ME guapo). One of the partners is extremely intelligent and the other intellectually challanged. I’ll leave it you to determine which is which. Throw in a 5 year old step-daughter. Boil in a marriage until done and what have you? Language/Culture Chaos Stew!

Phase 1 - The Courtship
This has nothing to do with law and the courts. However, should marriage happen in the future it certainly could. No, this is the stage where courting takes place and both parties smile all the time and look at each other because they haven’t the slightest idea what the other is talking about. If they did, well…..may be the looks would not be so lovingly.

Gestures are very important at this stage. In fact after a couple of days, both parties quit trying to talk to each other in their own mother tongues. Truth be known, both parties secretly suspect the other of being ‘linguistically challenged’ or possibly stupid. Unfortunately, this thought will occur more frequently as time goes on and the relationship progresses….or digresses its way to matrimony.

It should be remembered that Latinas are much better using their hands to express themselves. This leaves the gringo a very poor second in communicating with his hands. At this point gringos usually return to smiling all the time. The Latina starts harboring the idea that the stupid smile/smirk on the gringos face is actually a tattoo. (This might not be a bad idea. A guy would not have to ‘actually’ smile). However, if you had 1) studied the language before you left or 2) taken sign language, you would have understood what she just expressed to you, though gestures, namely her uncle had just died. When she made the gesture of digging, she was not trying to say ‘she really dug you’. Therefore, your smile probably was inappropriate.

Independently, both parties come to the conclusion that gestures do not work. A major decision is made, again by both parties as to whether or not the, I hesitate to use the word, ‘relationship’ will continue. If the answer is in the affirmative…. . próximo paso.


Phase 2- What do we do now**?
After failing at the above, somehow or other, you end up in bed….like together at the same time type of thing…naked…and thinking this is ’communicating’, if not at its’ finest level, then certainly the most basic one. What could possibly go wrong here? Give yourself sometime….like about nine months and you may come up with an answer….may be two…’cause you just never know. An important point about practicing Spanish, is to practice it SAFELY!

Although my knowledge of Spanish words for bedroom activities is limited…like none, this has not affected my understanding of the entire subject of sex (zero plus zero still equals zero). In our own relationship, we have solved this potential awkwardness between us by shaking hands before falling asleep. This seems to satisfy the intimacy requirement. But what do I know?


Phase 3 – The Morning after Affect.
Strangely enough, provided something actually happened the night before, you find that you DO understand one another. And this, without the bothersome problem of speaking the others’ language. As there have been no scientific papers published dealing with this phenomena, no one knows why understanding happens at this stage. The sun is always shining. Birds sing. Flowers bloom. And the world goes ‘round!

Couples often confuse this lightheadedness with love. Care must be practiced not to make this mistake. This is nothing more than experiencing no stress being with each other and by trying to communicate. Problem solved! Studies, again not done, have conclusively shown this bliss to last for about 20 minutes (the average period of afterglow) or a lifetime (but don’t count on this one).


Phase 4 – Wrong O!
Often in this euphoric state, the Latina and Gringo get married. Wrong-O! It won’t, it can’t last, at some point you are going to have to learn the phrase “Necesito papel de lavabo”. The whole relationship usually goes down the old toleta from there.

All the courtesies and niceties experienced in the relationship are dropped as both parties revert back to primal “I want it (what ever that is) and I want it NOW! And don’t bother with that bull**** you don’t understand me crap”. Not to worry though, you have successfully moved from the ‘euphoric state’ and into a ’real relationship’. Congratulations!

No longer do you have to anxiously wait for the other shoe to drop….that the shoe has just kicked you in the ass. Thank god for reality!


Phase 5 - The Alien Being – pt 1
You are slowly beginning to realize that you are living with an alien being….and so is she. Why doesn’t he or she get it when I am yelling at the top of my lungs? Jeez! How dumb can they be? (Note: Be careful as this question because it can backfire on you.)

This phase can be cute and even amusing. Geee, I wonder why she is using that expensive towel to mop the floor when I bought two extra mopheads? She, wondering why he just bought two expensive mopheads, when she already using this perfectly good towel to mop the floor with? Ahhh sweetness and light…but not exactly!


Phase 5 - The Alien Being – pt 2
Then you get the distinct feeling that the ‘alien’ you married has no human characteristics at all. They just do not see things the way I do….like a NORMAL human being. They must be from another planet. How can they drink tea from a soup bowl? Why can’t he remember to put that damn toilet seat down? (This is an interplanetary problem) Can’t they do the simplest things…right? What in the hell do they teach on that planet anyway? Talk about being backward!

At this point both parties ware willing to sign affidavits to the effect that they personally ‘witnessed antenna coming out of their spouses head’…and they may very well be correct. However, the problem is it is too late to do anything about it except to dial in on the frequencies each other is using to send and receive. This is often referred to as the ‘adjustment’ period and not to be confused with the ‘maladjustment’ period you have recently been through.


Phase 5 – Not quite Spanglish, more like the Twilight Zone
Both parties are totally exhausted. All pretense of speaking either language properly or successfully is given up. There is no way in hell we can communicate! This is where the dew falls from the lily so to speak.

You or she asks for something using the wrong verb tense. In the past there was no problem because the other party just understood. Now the idiot opposite you…the one you married, looks at you with a ‘deer in the headlights’ look and you wonder what has happened. Aside from life, nothing really. It is just both of you are not operating at the ‘higher plane” in the past (which usually occurs before a crash). This is also a normal transition period in the relationship which should not last for more than forty or fifty years. Not to worry!


Phase 6 – Spanglish 101
This stage is where neither of you cares if you communicate or not. In fact if the other doesn’t get it…so much he better. Often referred to as the Lucy/Ricky stage (Lucille Ball and Ricky Ricardo, for ya youngins in the audience).

She will start yelling a bunch of stuff in THAT foreign language of hers using words you do not understand and a speed with which your ears functionally shut down. The smart gringo throws up his hands….understandably.

Important Note Here: She is playing the role of Ricky Ricardo and you are playing the role of ….well…Lucy. Oh and “Lucy, you got some ‘splaining to do!” Especially to yourself.

Or better still purposely using words incorrectly….and enjoying it.


Phase 7 – Who wears the panties in YOUR family?
Wife: “Here are your panties” giving me my freshly cleaned clothes.
Me: “For a man, they are called underwear, briefs or shorts.”
Wife: “H-m-m-m-m.”

At this point I quickly realize losing a tactical position in the marriage. I was exact and specific in my response and this showed a need or at the very least craving for accuracy. I had shown a ‘weakness’ by objecting to the word ‘panty’. A conservation a week later.

Wife: “I forgot. What are this called again in English?” holding up a pair of my underwear and knowing damn well the English word for them.
Me: “Panties”.
Wife: “Didn’t you have another word to identify them?”
Me: “I don’t remember”.

Two can play THAT game. You can say we both wear the panties in OUR family!

I LOVE being married to a Latina!

[LuckyGirl]

C,J
What can I tell!!!!
Tienes mucha razon
although I understand and speak a little English, you're right in everything you say, these things can happen, but finally are part of the fusion between two cultures and love between two people!

LG

[El Capitan]

LLLLUUUUUUUCCCCYYYYY.....

[John Wayne]

One of your best posts, I laughed my A$$ on many of your relations......

Keep it up ....