four month update

Jim · #1 (**permalink**) 04-17-2005, 01:47 AM

This is a four month update on my marriage and various reflections on the process and the options we gringos have.

A few members of this board are enjoying traveling to CR to enjoy the women without any particular intention of finding a long term relationship. Both are veterans and have been burned (or disillusioned) by the process and have reached the conclusion that partying in LA is as viable an option as seeking a wife. None of us got involved in this process for bad or insincere reasons but we do owe it to the members of this board to mention that this an option, In Colombia, Costa Rica or anywhere in LA.

As for my relationship, I can report that things are mostly good. I'm not ecstatically happy but Alba isn't like Nidia (my ex-Colombiana wife who married me to get to the US). The good part is that I have a beautiful wife at my side. The bad part is that she is fiercely independent, would rather seek advise / help for people who speak Spanish than from me and she resents the fact that she has to depend on me.

There is zero chance she would cheat on me and she definitely takes care of my money. She needs to raise about $2000 so her two daughters and her can go to CR in August to renew their cedulas. She is working two jobs at minimum wage, one of which is grueling backbreaking work. So she's not afraid of hard work and she doesn't expect me to just write a check when she needs something.

Despite the fact that I am fluent in Spanish, I know there are communication problems. Part of it is she is a poor woman from the third world and is intensely proud. She can't quite let me in her life entirely. Overall, I feel it is more good than bad and I'm definitely willing to work at it. But this relationship isn't easy and there are bad parts along with the good parts.

murpho · #2 (**permalink**) 04-17-2005, 01:10 PM

Excellent topic. Since most of us , on this board,have some intentions of finding a latin wife (even if we play and take our time along the way) it is very interesting for me to hear from the guys who have married latin women and the issues, good and bad that they are experiencing. I realize when guys do get married they may drift away from here but it would be very informative if we could keep them giving updates. Maybe through another topic or heading like "marriage reports" or something like that. I don't know but I think it would be very helpful in negotiating the culturalization/newlywed stage.

Lostagain · #3 (**permalink**) 04-18-2005, 10:37 PM

Jim - I think your wife and mine are cousins... at least in spirit. My wife lived on her own for many years and is likewise independent. The nice thing is that as long as she doesn't think I am out messing around with other women, she is perfectly content with me being out with my friends. I took my step-son to a sailboat show last Saturday and when we got back we agreed that we would play a joke on her and tell her we bought a sailboat. She fell for it 100% and seemed genuinely pleased that I got one even though you couldn't drag her onto one with a team of horses.

Communication is a problem when you both have the same native language. It is worse when you each have different native languages and is a reality you have to deal with. Proud campesinas are not inclined to yeild ground in an intense discussion. They can be a little explosive and all you can really do is wait til things calm down. I am about a year ahead of you are in terms of the time together and the marriage. Slowly I am being let in little by little and what I am seeing is better than I though it would be.

tranquilizar · #4 (**permalink**) 04-19-2005, 06:00 PM

LA has been married to his Latina for about a year and a half. I hope all of you gringos read the last sentence of LA's post, "Slowly I am being let in little by little and what I am seeing is better than I thought it would be."

I will probably be consulting LA & Jim for advice when my wife and stepson move to Miami, finally, on April 30.

jndenis · #5 (**permalink**) 04-20-2005, 09:29 AM

Tranquilizar,
Next month will be 4 years for my spouse and me.
She also brought her son into the marriage. I felt
like an outsider for the first year. She was very
very protective of him. Over time things have eased up and are more like they should be, at least by american culture. We do still at times have arguements over him and I guess you could
say family roles ?.. My wife is a tough cookie
and LA is right in saying that they can be explosive in an argument and I have also learned
to wait until she calms down.

tranquilizar · #6 (**permalink**) 04-20-2005, 01:54 PM

Alec,
I guess that I add you to my list of consultants. My wife is bringing her 13 y/o son. Since they did have tourist visas and did spend significant time in our Miami home, we have already established the relationships. She and he seem to be very appreciative that I show interest in him since his father did not.

murpho · #7 (**permalink**) 04-20-2005, 04:09 PM

TQ a question I have been wonder, that you mentioned in your comment. Since I have kids, I wouldn't be averse to a woman with a child as many of the young latinas do (especially some of the prettiest ones it seems). But what is generally the biological father's perspective? Are they disconnected? I know I'd fight tooth and nail not to have my children leave where I would never see them. Does this prove to be a problem or issue at all?

DCNUPE/Eddie · #8 (**permalink**) 04-20-2005, 05:24 PM

Jim - What's up dude? I glad to hear things are going well for you. Congrats. What's the latest on our old friend your ex? Is she still here or back in Cali? We haven't got an email from her in years.

peace/cuidate
Eddie

tranquilizar · #9 (**permalink**) 04-20-2005, 08:25 PM

Murpho,

I can only comment about my situation. In Colombia and many other Latin American countries, a child cannot leave the country without a current (I think less than a month old)notarized letter from the father allowing the child to leave the country. My stepson had a tourist visa so everytime he visited my wife had to get the letter from the father.

If you are going to marry a Latina with children, you better investigate the relationship with the father. How do you think your new Latina wife is going to react when the father decides to not sign the letter. Do you think that mommy is going to leave her children behind and come to the US without them? What if the father signs the original letter but on a subsequent visit home by the son he refuses to sign a new letter to allow the son to leave his country again? Is your wife going to abandon the marriage for her children. The father controls and can manipulate the situation.

These are just more of the things you must consider when marrying a Latina.

Now, my situation: The father has not contributed anything to the support of my stepson in 2 years. My wife was willing to leave my stepson in Bogota with the father if I thought it would help our adjustment to each other. She informed the father that if he did not sign the letters, the son would stay with him and he could pay all of the bills. The father has been remarried for 6+ years and has 2 children by the present wife. Therefore in addition to the financial burden, the new wife would see her husband's time diverted from her children to this son by another woman, my wife.

Bottom line? The father tells my wife everytime what a favor he is doing for her by signing the letter.

I have told my stepson that he has a father and I can never be is father but when I married his mother he became part of my family and I consider him my son. When I am in Miami and they are in Bogota he is the man of our house. I expect him to take care of his mother for me. I always speak nicely about the father to my stepson but even my stepson sees through the father's facade.

The relationship that you have with your step children will make or break your marriage. I have put maximum effort into my relationship with my stepson. It will require more. My wife has seen the relationship that I have with my 3 daughters from my first marriage. She has watched me with her son. I don't have Honky Tonk's "Come hither look" so obviously my wife married me so that her son could have a dad.

murpho · #10 (**permalink**) 04-21-2005, 01:03 PM

We should all be so lucky as to have Tonk's hither look, sigh...but we just have to get by.

I have a 19 year old stepson (technically not a stepson now) but he was 8 when my ex and I got married. Despite the divorce, he and I remained close. He works for me and I got him into college after (he now has a wife and new baby) I warned granny (the ex) when we were going through our divorce and he and his girlfriend (both 17 at the time) were staying at her apartment while she was out partying, to watch out, but what did I know? (ho,ho,ho, hello grandbaby) But guess who was the first one he went to with his problem, I had tell her and the rest of her family. So I guess I did alright with that.

But the information on the notorizatin is very valuable and could be a sticky variable that doesn't go away. I have to think about that. I probably would want the child to be same age as my boys (5and7) or less to ease the transtion in language, school and so on. I guess you almost have to take each situation differently depending on the dad. hmmmm definately food for thought.

But TQ it sounds like you did pretty good. Few things are more attractive to a good woman than a good father. Kudos!