My new family.....

[Cubafro]

Thank you GRIZ for sharing with us...
Great start dude and for the family thing it depends on the person....I can`t stop talking to my mom ; like everyday I`m on the phone with her.....so I guess it's a good thing that this don't bother you.
Good luck my friend and keep us posted

CUBA

[GrizGator]

Cuba...thanks for sharing. I am fine with my wife calling her family every day...as long as it is because she is accustomed to speaking with them every day...and it is not because she is unhappy here. I think that, at first, I was a little concerned....but now I've accepted that this is part of her life. I am very close to my mother as well, but I only speak to her about twice a week....I guess it is partially a culture difference and partially a difference in personal preference.

Griz

Originally Posted by cubafro

Thank you GRIZ for sharing with us...
Great start dude and for the family thing it depends on the person....I can`t stop talking to my mom ; like everyday I`m on the phone with her.....so I guess it's a good thing that this don't bother you.
Good luck my friend and keep us posted

CUBA

[Lostagain]

With my wife, getting a driver's license and regularly involved in ESL were very important thresholds in getting established here. Having the freedom to take off and go where she wants when she wants will really help in making friends and feeling that she is not trapped in a strange place with nothing to do. English classes give her access to other Spanish speakers and the chance to make friends and develop a social network. Feeling helpless in a new place where you live can lead to depression and the more you encourage her to get out and explore the better.

Frequent calling home and long conversations are something you will have to get used to. In fact, you should encourage it. In the cycle of adjusting to a new country, once the glitter has worn off and the realization sets in that you are now a very long way from family and all that is familiar, depression becomes an issue. The more contact you can have with home, family and friends, the more she will feel at ease with her new surroundings. And, the more you get her out seeing and experiencing new things, the more she has to tell her family and they will share their excitement for her new life which they get to live vicariously.

One other thing that you may face is financial independence. Latin women often prefer to maintain separate finances. There is your pay which belongs to the family and then there is what she earns, which belongs to her and which she will use to help her family. That one I'm still trying to sort out and feel some frustration because my wife doesn't like me knowing what is going on in that respect. In Colombia it is a common arrangement because the man often has couple of amantes on the side and the woman feels the need have a rainy day financial plan in case the man decides the amante is the better option. It is a cultural thing and you need to be patient and establish trust before you can expect it to gradually fade away. Remember, when you see the world from her eyes, she is totally dependent on you and she has heard from her friends all the horror stories about the gringo men abandoning the woman after she gets to Gringolandia and the woman is forced to take menial work or become a hooker to support herself. The more she feels able to support herself here, the more the sense of vulnerability goes away. In my experience, that vulnerability leads to anger and conflict and the more it can be eliminated the better things will be.

Recently my wife joined our parish choir for the Spanish language masses. I can't tell you how much that has improved her attitude. She is hanging out with really nice people who all are trying to adjust to living in an English language dominant culture and sharing many of the same issues she is facing. It seems to give her a comfort zone to be in with something that is very important to her. As I am sure you know, better than 90% of Latin women are Catholic. When they are stressed, such as in a move to a strange new country, involvement in something that is familiar and deeply rooted in their culture and spiritual values gives them a solid base to succeed in their adjustment to a new home.

Again, best of luck in working through the adjustment. And don't forget to file for the lifting of the conditions on your wife and step-daughter's green cards before the end of the two year conditional period.

L.A.

[GrizGator]

Thanks for your advice and thoughts, L.A. I have been waiting for my wife to tell me she is ready for the driver's license exam, but I think I need to start pushing it. I agree that having a license and being able to leave the house when she wants will make a BIG difference.

The ESOL classes have helped, especially since there is another Colombiana in the class.

Fortunately, I don't have to encourage her to call home....she does plenty of that on her own...plus IMs and emails. At least she has now discovered that she can speak to her family over the Internet...thus saving her time on her phone card.

We have been the the Catholic church's Spanish mass a few times and they seem to like that. Good idea about the choir. My wife does not have much of a voice from what I've heard, but perhaps there are other activities in which she can become involved.

Originally Posted by lostagain

One other thing that you may face is financial independence. Latin women often prefer to maintain separate finances. There is your pay which belongs to the family and then there is what she earns, which belongs to her and which she will use to help her family. That one I'm still trying to sort out and feel some frustration because my wife doesn't like me knowing what is going on in that respect. In Colombia it is a common arrangement because the man often has couple of amantes on the side and the woman feels the need have a rainy day financial plan in case the man decides the amante is the better option. It is a cultural thing and you need to be patient and establish trust before you can expect it to gradually fade away.... The more she feels able to support herself here, the more the sense of vulnerability goes away. In my experience, that vulnerability leads to anger and conflict and the more it can be eliminated the better things will be.

Funny you mention this. I can see this becoming an issue. Just the other day, my wife started looking at the paper for jobs. She said she wants to get a part-time job to help out and to reduce the boredom level on days when neither I nor her daughter are home. I have explained to her that first we must wait for her EAD....and even then she probably will have a hard time finding a job until her English skills are improved. I am hoping that will give her incentive to study English a bit more intensely.

But I think all of this "job thing" has much to do with what you say. I'm with you....I can't understand why the Latina woman considers what the man makes as "ours" and what she makes as "hers." I can already see that thinking from her....although she hasn't come out and said it. I know that her aunt has an arrangement like that in Colombia. Her Colombiano husband pays the bills....and has HIS car....she works to buy things for herself and her children. I think if my wife ever does get a job, we'll have to negotiate a bit. I want her to feel some responsibility too....maybe if it's just putting some of the money aside for extra things she wants or for travel to Colombia. I appreciate your thoughts on this....it helps.

Griz

[GrizGator]

One of the things that I regret about my posts (so far) is that they could have been less informational (i.e., boring) and more interesting (i.e., funny). The problem is that I’ve forgotten some of the little funny things that have happened over the past 9 weeks. One thing that I do remember is the first experience my wife and step-daughter had with bugs. I don’t recall seeing any bugs in my wife’s casa in Bogota. On the other hand, given the weather in Florida, bugs are pretty common, even when you pay a company to spray for them regularly. So imagine my shock the day my wife began shrieking at the top of her lungs from the bedroom. What could be wrong, I asked myself. Did she hurt herself? Ah….no. It was a small “cucaracha”…on his last leg (drying from bug spray). My wife was up on the bed, screaming in horror! For several days after, she checked under the beds with a flashlight before she and my step-daughter would go to bed. They also hate spiders….even the most microscopic ones. My wife used to avoid the front door because of a spider web I had yet to remove. More recently I’ve discovered that they hate little lizards. My wife insists that a lizard is going to jump toward her and bite her on the face! I just laugh…but to them, this is serious! And then there is the black garden snake that likes to sun itself in my backyard on occasion….we won’t even go there.

Anyway, back to my wife’s adjustment. As I said, leaving her family and moving to a small town has been difficult for her. There have been days when I perceive some depression….but those days are mostly behind us. The birth control implant my wife got in her arm last September really bothers her….causing headaches and all kinds of other physical problems. We think that the occasional depression might also be linked. Given that there are so many Hispanics in this area, I never thought that finding a doctor would be a problem, but I was wrong. I couldn’t find any pediatricians in the area that spoke Spanish….not even an office where a nurse spoke Spanish. On my step-daughter’s first visit to the pediatrician, I brought along the computer with the translator program! Things have proven slightly less difficult for my wife. We found a Brazilian doctor whose nurse speaks Spanish. She is the regular doctor. It was a little tougher to find a Spanish-speaking OB/GYN. We finally found one, but he is so popular, my wife is having to wait four weeks to get her implant removed. The regular doctor also discovered that my wife had a stomach infection. Her stomach has bothered her since her arrival. At first we though she was having trouble adjusting to the food. Now we know it was something else. Another week of medication and the stomach infection should be gone. I am hoping that once the implant is removed in two weeks, things for my wife on the health front will be much better. The health problems coupled with all that relates to moving to a new country have really been tough on her. But she is a trooper and she tells me all of the time that she is happy here.

As I have mentioned before, my wife (step-daughter) is here on a K-3 (K-4) visa. So, once they arrived, I began the process of completing and submitting the second set of forms to the U.S. government. Last fall it was the I-130 for both of them and the I-129F for my wife. Now it was the adjustment of status forms for both of them and employment authorization for both of them (so they can get social security cards). The total cost for the 4 forms plus the fingerprint fee for my wife was $980. For those who have not gone through the process before…if you ever do it, be prepared to open your wallet. I won’t even begin to discuss the cost of the 9 trips to visit my wife in Bogota. Or the cost of the wedding reception and the honeymoon to Aruba. If you take the cost of adjusting status and getting EA and add in the cost of filing the I-130s ($170 each) and the I-129F ($190), plus the cost of all of the supporting documents that came from the State of Florida and from Colombian notaries, plus the costs of the interview ($200), and the cost of the medical exams, the blood test, and the x-ray….and you are talking about a significant investment in your future. And I still haven’t had to pay the cost of “lifting the condition” once the AOS has been granted. From what Gary Bala has told us, it’s going to become much more expensive very soon.

More later.........

[El Capitan]

LOL Griz...I'm waiting until your Mrs. goes by a Palmetto Palm, and a Palmetto Bug goes running across her sandaled feet! That ought to be interesting.

Again, thanks for taking the time to give us the insight. All too often the guys don't get to see this side of the challenge...Financial, and Emotional.

The question is, how are you doing through all of this?

Chin up man...you've made it happen so far!! A far cry from GGT 2006.

Thanks again for sharing...

[Lostagain]

Funny you mention that your wife doesn't sing very well. That shouldn't be an impediment to joining the choir. My wife is a terrible singer. Fortunately her voice is not strong and tends to get drowned out by the other singers, but the choir members make her feel really welcome and like she is a very important participant and that sense of belonging is what really matters.

Ah, culebras, my wife is phobic about them. Fortunately where we live we don't see them around the houses. She's a campesina, so bugs are not a big deal to her and in our climate, we have way less than we had in Cali.

Yeah, getting a doctor is a huge problem. I have also experienced the frustration of trying to find Spanish speaking doctors. Now add the fact that the office girl in the office who speaks "Spanish" learned it from her parents and on the streets of your town, and when confronted with the Castillano of Colombia incorrectly translates what everyone is saying. Indeed, we were laughing last night about a Mexican doctor she saw who asked her about her patas (feet of an animal) instead of her pies. There is enough confusion between idiomatic expressions in countries as it is, now add the local Spanglish and you really have to be careful. And then there was the time our insurance company's list had the Spanish speaking doctor who had had his license revoked in two states and suspended in California for a sexual assault on a female patient. ....just the kind of quack you want to send your beautiful Colombian wife to.

Gotta go listen to my wife's choral efforts at the 9:30 mass, so I'm off..... and Lost Again.

[GrizGator]

El Cap....interesting question. Thanks for asking.

It has been an adjustment for me. As I mentioned before, I lived most of the last 20 years alone. Having people in the house constantly has been an adjustment. Having cartoons and Spanish channels on the TV all of the time has been an adjustment. Sharing the Internet connection has been an adjustment. Going to bed earlier and getting up earlier have been an adjustment. Having to be the "driver" (since my wife doesn't drive yet) all of the time has been interesting.

All in all, it has been good. Yes, there have been some tough days...especially when the wife has not had good health...and on those days when she seems a little depressed. Further, my wife and her daughter have been inseparable since birth. Sometimes that can be difficult because they are accustomed to spending all of their time together (and I mean literally "together" - no space between them when they sit on the sofa or in a booth at a restaraunt). In Bogota it was not a problem because my wife and I could go off and do things and her daughter stayed with the family. Everyone was happy. Now the family is not here, so when the daughter is not in school, she is with us....more specifically, with my wife. When you marry a Colombian, you have to understand that there is a pecking order....1) her children, 2) her family, and 3) you (if you are lucky).

My wife and I have had some serious discussions. But overall it has been good...the good days far outweigh the bad.

Other adjustment for me....money. Not near as much disposable income available to me any more with the higher bills (electric, water, food, insurance, etc.). Not as much freedom/flexibility to do what I want and go where I want. Having to worry about planning the next meal (which can be difficult given that I'm still trying to figure out what they like and what they don't like)....whereas before I just ate when I was hungry....whatever I wanted. Of course, much of this would be the same if I married a gringa.

The other huge adjustment for me is travel. I used to travel quite a bit, whether out of the country or just to places in the U.S. I miss the travelling, but I realized when I got married that my travel would be limited now. One thing I forgot to consider is the difficulty of traveling with Colombianas to other countries. I wanted to book a four night cruise to the Bahamas in May...to expose my family to cruising (which I enjoy). However, the Bahamas will not let them in the country without a $55 visa. $110 in visa costs for one day? Forget it. Once they get their green cards, international travel will be much easier.

Other adjustment....my wife worries....A LOT....when I am late. Sometimes I get hung up at work for an extra 30 or 60 minutes. I think nothing of it...but she becomes very worried. I must get accustomed to calling.

Another adjustment....I used to be a work-horse....especially at night. With my job, sometimes I have a lot of work to do....which can mean nights and weekends (albeit at home). My wife does not understand the American work ethic. I am trying to be good....but my productivity has definitely suffered over the past two months.

But, like I said, all of this seems worth it so far.

Originally Posted by ElCapitan

The question is, how are you doing through all of this?

[HonkyTonk]

Griz, I find this thread's among the most facinating in the Board's history. You're the 1st Gringo to share this much detail about the entire process and adjustment since JunFan.

I can't speak for others, but the easy part is finding someone to marry SOTB. The difficult part is the adjustment. I doubt everything you've posted about is unique to you, so I think you've shown us 1st hand what it will be like once she's here.

I hope this will become the longest running thread in GringoTalk's history.

Best wishes to you and your new family! I look foreward to more of your insite. I find your writing style most enjoyable.

Thumbs up for taking the time out of your hectic schedule to share your experiences with us!

[LastLion]

Griz, well I for one am extremely excited to see you new daily or whenever possible posts on your new life with your new family.

I agree completely with TONK, that I hope this is becomes the longest thread in Gringo history, one because we are all so fortunate to be a part of what I am now calling the Advanced Course in Finding your MEDIA NARANJA, secondly because the longer it runs that means things are going well for you!

Griz, I would defintely try to connect here with Lostagain on a more personal level. I have been fortunate enough and honored to meet his family in person. We have an occasional call and I think he is one that all here who are married or close to it, should know. He is a levelheaded guy who is actually doing the neccesary work to try to have a happy marriage to a colombian! He will tell us the truth with out the sugar coatings to boot!

Just my $100.00 tip!