My new family.....

[GrizGator]

Tonk and Lastlion - I am glad you are enjoying it. I really hesitated to start this thread...because I thought it might be too boring...and no one would have interest in reading the day-to-day details. I'll keep posting anything I can recall...or anything that happens of interest.

Thanks to everyone who has read, replied, and/or given me suggestions and feedback. I appreciate it. One of my best decision in 2007 was to pay the small registration fee to remain a member of the board.

Griz

[Lostagain]

Griz, you raised a very important point in your post that I have mentioned several times in the distant past and it bears repeating almost as a mantra. "When you marry a Colombian, you have to understand that there is a pecking order....1) her children, 2) her family, and 3) you (if you are lucky)." A lot of guys on this board have a real hard time with this and think that they should be the center of the universe with respect to their wives. In Latin culture it isn't going to happen. You have to simply accept being in 3rd position and be happy with it. If you can't, then you probably need to look inside and ask yourself whether marriage to a Latina is really what you want.

The same goes with the inseparability of mom and the kid. We have had that since I first met my wife. Indeed, from the first time we traveled together my step-son has almost always been with us. Even now, he usually sleeps in the same room as us. Fortunately, we have a spare bedroom where we can sneak off when he goes to sleep for a little fun and frolic. And when we are all together his refrain to me of "play with me, play with me" is a constant.

The calls about where you are are also typical. And, it will be a double standard. When she is out she probably doesn't want you calling her and will feel you are being possessive and jealous if you call and ask when she is coming home and where she is. You have to understand, Latin women tend to be extremely jealous and possessive but they have a way of denying it in their own minds and projecting it onto their spouses. Also, keep in mind that especially in the first year or so after her arrival, she's scared to death and feels lonely and isolated. When you don't show up when she thinks you are supposed to, the minutes start to drag like hours to her.

The bottom line, for Gringos who marry into Latin culture, you are crossing a cultural line. You are going to find yourselves in a limbo where you are no longer a Gringo but are not really a Latino either. You're a Grintino. Presumably you want to be immersed in Latin culture or you'da married a Gringa. So, go with the flow, accept your new identity and adopted culture and be as Latino as you can. You will find your new friends and acquaintances very friendly and welcoming. Pretty soon you'll catch yourself even saying English words with a Spanish accent, forgetting the English word in favor of the Spanish, and speaking English with Spanish syntax. My only regret..... that I didn't do it 40 years ago.

[HonkyTonk]

"When you marry a Colombian, you have to understand that there is a pecking order....1) her children, 2) her family, and 3) you (if you are lucky)." Griz

"A lot of guys on this board have a real hard time with this and think that they should be the center of the universe with respect to their wives." LostAgain

If she's # 3 in Griz's above quote and the gringo is #4, I have a problem with that. If that's a fact of life, I can't see any reason to marry one, especially with kids. I fully realize we're a means to an end, but I would never expect to be so low a priority in any woman's life.

I think the key is for the husband to put his wife above himself, and the wife to put her husband above herself. I can see that scenario working no matter the pecking order. Is this an unrealistic expectation on a gringo's part?

I don't expect to be the center of any woman's universe and never have.

[Lostagain]

If there is a dispute in regard to the 3rd position between herself and her husband or vis-versa, then get the heck out of there. Number 1 and 2 are givens in Latin culture. If she is having a hard time putting her spouse (again, or vis-versa) in the 3rd position over herself, then there are going to be big ego clash problems and lawyer's fees will be the ultimate result.

[El Capitan]

Be happy that you're in third position.

As LA states, they want to know where you are, if you're not where you're supposed to be on time, and will most generally put you ahead of themselves every single time. If she doesn't...there most likely is a reason...and you might know the answer if you're honest with yourself (e.g. what did you do to piss her off?).

Yes, the whole pecking order thing takes a bit of getting used to, but get used to it you'll have to......or you may have to refer to the e.g. above. Get it?

Let me spell it out for you: She'll care more about the mother that gave birth to her, than you...and she'll care more about the child that she gave birth to, than you...be lucky she holds you in such high esteem. The question really should be...Do you deserve it?

It sounds like the pecking order is founded in reality to me...

[GrizGator]

In fairness to my wife, when I told her I knew I was third...she corrected me and said "you are part of my family now, so you are also second." It was nice sentiment, but deep down I know my place.

The child issue is going to be tough for me. Fortunately, she's a great kid. But I recently discovered that a baby-sitter is not an option...so when I have events for work, etc. that are "couples-only," I'll be going solo a lot (unless my mom can come to stay...but she lives 1 1/2 hours away).

I'm not sure how old your step-son is....my step-daughter is 10....so at least she likes to sleep in her own room. Vacations will be different...since I am not springing for an extra room at a resort or on a cruiseship...and I'm not sure that would be an option anyway...at least until she's 25!

My wife and I have discussed having a child of our own, but I've been non-commital (she wants a baby, but claims she's willing to go either way). I told her we need to be married for at least two years before we consider it....to give us time as a couple and as a family. But by then I'll 43/44 years old and I'm not sure if I want a baby at that age. At some point, I'm going to want to enjoy my wife and my marriage....without a child around. If figure that when my step-daughter goes off to college, I'll have that chance (just have to play the waiting game). If we have another baby, I'll be retired before my wife and I have any time alone.

I think you are spot on about becoming a "grintino"!

Originally Posted by lostagain

Griz, you raised a very important point in your post that I have mentioned several times in the distant past and it bears repeating almost as a mantra. A lot of guys on this board have a real hard time with this and think that they should be the center of the universe with respect to their wives. In Latin culture it isn't going to happen. You have to simply accept being in 3rd position and be happy with it. If you can't, then you probably need to look inside and ask yourself whether marriage to a Latina is really what you want.

The same goes with the inseparability of mom and the kid. We have had that since I first met my wife. Indeed, from the first time we traveled together my step-son has almost always been with us. Even now, he usually sleeps in the same room as us. Fortunately, we have a spare bedroom where we can sneak off when he goes to sleep for a little fun and frolic. And when we are all together his refrain to me of "play with me, play with me" is a constant.

The bottom line, for Gringos who marry into Latin culture, you are crossing a cultural line. You are going to find yourselves in a limbo where you are no longer a Gringo but are not really a Latino either. You're a Grintino. Presumably you want to be immersed in Latin culture or you'da married a Gringa.

[GrizGator]

I agree with you Tonk....your wife must be able to put you above herself. So far, I feel real good about this. If at some point I think I've dropped to #4....then I'll have to start weighing my options.

Ever since we decided to get married, I've been reminding my wife that our relationship will be difficult for both of us....and that it will be a difficult adjustment for her and her step-daughter to live in the U.S. That said, I also was honest with myself going into this whole thing that 1) I know it will be difficult, but really don't know the extent of the difficulty (so I'll have to work very hard at it), 2) there is a possibility that I could do as much as I can and my wife will still not be happy here, and 3) that marrying a Latina and bringing her here carries a lot of risk...and the chances of success, all else equal, are probably worse than marrying a gringa. However, I decided that it was worth the risk (because of the potential rewards)....and if it doesn't work....it won't be a total surprise to me. Hope that doesn't sound negative. I'm trying to be an optimist and a realist at the same time!

Griz

[El Capitan]

Great stuff Griz! Keep it coming.

I like the pragmatist in you, and I believe that is the exact thing that has helped you maintain such a great outlook throughout this whole adventure...and it is that.

[LastLion]

I think in what you have just said GRIZ. I hope that a woman would make the "relationship a priority" . I am not so concerned about being number one, I just would not want to feel left out. I think it is good for a gringo to have a life too!!!!!! So if she wants me she will be a priority, but I always consider putting food on the table and having a roof over my head #1 priority! My harley and my dog are a close second!!! I pity the latina that has to take 4th to my dog!!!! hahahhaah JUST KIDDING!!

ANyways it is not about the pecking order, it is about getting what you need and her doing her part to make the relationship a good one.

I think us gringos these days , get too sucked up in relationships and lose themselves in them anyways! Yes marriage and family is a priority, but **** these days guys lose themselves , their balls, and their money in these relationships.

My grandfather always said take care of your wife and family, but in order to do that you better know how to take care of yourself first!

My 2 cents!

[El Capitan]

Originally Posted by lastlion

I think us gringos these days , get too sucked up in relationships and lose themselves in them anyways! Yes marriage and family is a priority, but **** these days guys lose themselves , their balls, and their money in these relationships.

My grandfather always said take care of your wife and family, but in order to do that you better know how to take care of yourself first!

My 2 cents!

Here, here!!!

Spot on. Spot off. Load up Spot. Good Spot.

Nothing like a good hound either!!! Let's not forget that.