My new family.....

[Lostagain]

It is easy to put too much emphasis on the pecking order stuff. If you pay attention attention to your family and are hard working loyal provider, it works itself out. If you recognize you have a life of your own and can live it with your family, then when she has to deal with her child/ren and/or family at home, you will have something to do with yourself. In fact, more often than not, she would probably prefer you have some interests outside your family, so long as it isn't a wet, warm, dark place to park your Johnson. Interests in sports, fishing, etc. are all things that will give her time to be herself as well.

One of the things I have noticed about Latinas is that they like to hang out with their girlfriends, especially when they are from el campo. I had a hard time getting used to this, but the reality is that the men hang out together in the front room (or where my wife's family is from, on the front sidewalk with some chairs) and the women hang out in the kitchen. Again, as long as you don't go with your brothers-in-law to the local cantina and try out the local tuna fish, she would kind of prefer you be with the men and will think you a little strange if you aren't. This is less so of middle class and upper class, but it is a quantitative difference not qualitative.

Before we got married, we settled the pecking order issue in concept. We each had children going into the marriage, though mine are a little older than she is. But, we talked the situation over and each agreed that our own children are first in priority. Not only do I understand her point of view in this, but I agree with it and subscribe to it myself. As for children between us, we've also talked about it, and have sort of agreed that I'll be a fossil before the child reaches majority and it would probably be better to avoid that complication. My step-son is 7 and when I retire at 70, he'll be a senior in high school. We started a savings program for his education and asked his daddy to pay what support he owes into a similar account in Colombia.

Griz, don't worry about the baby sitter too much. The more she gets accustomed to living here, and when she gets a circle of friends, she'll find people to take care of the child. Right now it's just too f'ing scary to leave her child with a total stranger in a strange country where few speak (at least for now, but we're working on it) the language. And, you'll find plenty of things to do with the kid coming along; just no movies with more than a G or maybe PG rating.

With company events, go easy on this at first. It can be terrifying for her. I know, I've gone to some events alone and last January, after 3 1/2 years I finally got my wife to go to a formal company party. She was really scared. Fortunately, everyone was really welcoming and many spoke Spanish (we're taking over in California, you see) so she was much more at ease. Little by little it all works out.

We've taken a number of vacations and my step-son has never been a problem. In fact, he's been a lot of fun, especially at the beach. He's real cute and it's a hoot to watch the little girls hitting on him.

Lastlion, if I'm ever going to have a hope of setting you up with one of my sisters-in-law, you are going to have to put her at least equal to the Harley and above the dog.

L.A.

[STM]

Good info Griz

What about when the woman has a child in Colombia, there is always a grandmother , aunt, maid, sister, etc.. in the house , so the Colombiana even though she is a Mother she leds the life of single woman all the time. BUT now you are in the US , no more Grandmother in the house.

Also they always have a maid to clean the bathroom, kitchen, etc.. BUT no more maid in the US.


How about the romance part? you can't be banging away in the living room in front of the TV, with a child in the house.

[Cap'n Jib]

Can't speak for Griz but my gal went back to work one month after her child was born. Grandma covered the 'sittin' duties until S. came home from work. Then other relatives covered until the kid was able to go to pre-school.

There was no maid (or ever had been in her family)...until I showed up. The choice was to send the kid to a pre-school or hire a sitter-maid for four months. I chose the latter for selfish reasons.

As far as the kid being there when the urge was there, never had a problem with this in the past and still don't. There are ways...and then there ARE WAYS!

We have discussed hiring a maid (trying to help out a friend here) and decided not have a maid or are likely to in the near future.

[GrizGator]

Yes, I agree...no need to put too much emphasis on this. In fact, I realized my "place" before we got married and I told my wife my perception. When I told her the first time....she didn't say anything...which was simply an acknowedgment that I was correct. So, I knew going into where I sit....and that's OK as long as the gap between me and the rest of the pack is not too large.

Thanks for sharing your experiences on work events. I have had 3 or 4 different people want to host a "welcome party" for my wife and step-daugher - friend, co-workers/friends, and boss. I have gently tried to deflect these offers as my wife would absolutely melt. She is a bit of a shy person anyway (until you get to know her). Add in the language barrier and her dislike of being the center of attention (one that I share)....and you have a receipe for disaster. So, we've successfully avoided the big shin-dig. However, I have gotten to come by the office to meet folks two or three at a time. I've also gotten her to go to sporting events at my university....and to small lunches. We are making progress. Unfortunately, dispite the fact that I live in Florida, most of the folks I know do not speak Spanish. So, there are lots of folks in town who do....just not the folks I know.

Originally Posted by lostagain

It is easy to put too much emphasis on the pecking order stuff. If you pay attention attention to your family and are hard working loyal provider, it works itself out. If you recognize you have a life of your own and can live it with your family, then when she has to deal with her child/ren and/or family at home, you will have something to do with yourself. In fact, more often than not, she would probably prefer you have some interests outside your family, so long as it isn't a wet, warm, dark place to park your Johnson. Interests in sports, fishing, etc. are all things that will give her time to be herself as well.

.................

With company events, go easy on this at first. It can be terrifying for her. I know, I've gone to some events alone and last January, after 3 1/2 years I finally got my wife to go to a formal company party. She was really scared. Fortunately, everyone was really welcoming and many spoke Spanish (we're taking over in California, you see) so she was much more at ease. Little by little it all works out.

L.A.

[GrizGator]

Hahahahah. You nailed it. When I visited Colombia, we always had time to ourselves to go to the movies or the mall or to dinner. Sometimes we took her daughter, but more likely she was happy to stay and watch TV or play video games at home. But now, no more relatives (and that inlcludes none of mine in town either).

I'm glad you brought up the maid thing. In Colombia, my wife's family did not have a cleaning lady.....at least not since I've been around. I had a cleaning lady who came in twice per month for 3 hours each time...to give me a hand when I was so busy with work and travel. My wife DID NOT like that....she "complained" about her cleaning from day one. We finally let her go and know my wife does most of the cleaning inside and I help with things and handle outside. The money we spent (a modest amount) goes to my wife...as she co-owns some property back in Colombia and will eventually need to pay her share of taxes (didn't know about this until recently). I told my wife..."I don't mind giving you the money....but please understand that I am NOT paying you to clean our house." I look at it as giving her the extra money to do with as she pleases. I hope none of her relatives get wind of this and interpret it otherwise.

Romance? Luckily our bedroom is on the opposite side of the house from the other bedrooms. Unfortunately, given some of my wife's health issues lately....romance has not always been the first priority. I hope that's temporary.

Originally Posted by stm

Good info Griz

What about when the woman has a child in Colombia, there is always a grandmother , aunt, maid, sister, etc.. in the house , so the Colombiana even though she is a Mother she leds the life of single woman all the time. BUT now you are in the US , no more Grandmother in the house.

Also they always have a maid to clean the bathroom, kitchen, etc.. BUT no more maid in the US.


How about the romance part? you can't be banging away in the living room in front of the TV, with a child in the house.

[GrizGator]

UPDATE:

My wife knows I have been posting information for my "amigos" on this board. She has suddently become very interested in what you are replying back to me. Obviously, since this is a "guys only place," I don't give her too much info. But I find it interesting that she is curious.

Also....it's almost like she was reading one of my posts. Out of the blue yesterday, she announced she was ready to take her driving test. We have an appointment on Friday. What a relief that will be when she passes! I'll no longer have to be the chaffeur (i.e., I won't have to get up every single day to drive my step-daughter to the bus stop....and my wife will be able to drive herself to school for English lessons)!

Griz

[STM]

Good, the cleaning part can be overcome, because thats just way it is in the US.

So have you had to hire a babysitter yet in the US? Have just the both of you gone anywhere alone withiout the child?

[GrizGator]

Originally Posted by stm

So have you had to hire a babysitter yet in the US? Have just the both of you gone anywhere alone withiout the child?

No, we have not gotten a babysitter yet. Other than when my step-daughter has been in school (when we might get to have lunch together), it's been the three of us going everywhere - meals, movies, mall, etc. I am hoping my mom can come and stay with my step-daughter so that my wife and I can go to a work event later this month.

Right now, the idea of a babysitter is not going over very well (I think Lost Again's explanation for that is spot-on). Eventually, I hope we can find someone, perhaps through some of the Latina folks in town. That's one of the many reasons I am hoping my wife can make more Latina friends - she's more likely to trust a Latina babysitter than a gringa babysitter. Because, honestly, I'd like to be able to go to dinner or a movie with my wife alone once in a while. This has probably been one of the few disappointing parts of our relationship since she arrived in the U.S....not getting to spend much time alone.......much different than what I experienced when I visited her in Bogota.

Griz

[TheBatmanDude]

Griz, the information is just great. Thanks. For those of us who are following this path, it is just invaluable to hear what it's really like creating a life here in the US with a Latin lady. May you keep posting....and may the rest of us get to give it a try!!!!

[TBOND]

Griz thanks for the information and the behind the scenes look at the real life issues your dealing with great posting.

Question: knowing what you know now… would you still marry a woman with a child knowing how difficult it is to have quality time alone... I am curious to know your take because I am on the path to where you are now...

TB