My new family.....

[GrizGator]

TBOND

Ask me this again in a year....but right now, I'd still say yes. From my limited experiences (and that experience comes only from agency girls), Colombianas value family and children very much. THis means that the eligible women you are likely to meet either 1) have a child or children already or 2) want children (as I previously posted, that even goes for women who are on the fringe of child-bearing years). I have seen very few women listed on the agency databases that I have reviewed who indicate "have no children" and "want no children." And if I did find one, given the culture, I'd be very careful with her....because this is so counter to the culture (as far as I've seen and been told).

In some ways, I actually gravitated toward women with one child as opposed to those with more or those with none. I'm not sure I could handle a woman having more than 1 kid. However, a woman with no children would probably want to have one. I'm 41 now. By the time we got married and spent a year or 2 making sure the marriage was good, I'd be mid-40's. I really don't want to have a kid in high school when I'm 60 and in college when I'm trying to retire. So I view my situation as a good one. My step-daughter is 10. I get to experience being a step-father. She's a good kid. And I enjoy her. In a few years, she'll start to get more independent....staying in her room, talking on the phone, visiting friends, going to the movies. Eventually she'll be off to college. So, as time goes by, I'll be there to fill the void left in my wife's life as her daughter becomes more independent and develops more issues outside of the house and her mother.

Can it be a little tough now? Some times. But as I posted previously, my job allows me to be at home sometimes during the day when my step-daughter is in school. Then there is the time after she goes to bed at night. So we do have some alone time....although mostly in the house or for a lunch out. It would be nice to have a "date" with my wife for dinner and a movie...or a weekend away, but that's not possible right now (although my wife MIGHT be willing to let my step-daughter stay with my mom for a night). As L.A. said, once she gets more comfortable in the area and finds some friends, she may warm up to the idea of a babysitter. My only regret is that I did not think to talk to her about this issue earlier (probably because in Bogota, there WAS no issue). It may not have changed anything (at least immediately), but at least I would have been more prepared for what I'm facing now.

Originally Posted by TBOND

Question: knowing what you know now… would you still marry a woman with a child knowing how difficult it is to have quality time alone... I am curious to know your take because I am on the path to where you are now...

TB

[TBOND]

Thanks Grizz your take makes perfect sense... you and I are about the same age and I am not quite sure if I want another child either... my lady has a five year old son... but part of me wants a child with her thinking it might make us stronger as a family... the jury is still out on that one.. And I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

I think you already knew what the Pros and Cons were when you fell for your wife (woman with child)... so you are mentally prepared to deal with issues like lack of date time together. And as you said as the child gets older and she becomes more comfortable in her new environment things will get better.

My issues with my girls child differs from yours because my girl’s son is only five and not as mature and independent as your daughter.

I will explain more in my pending trip report.

Thanks again... Congratulations! and nothing but the best for you and your new family...

TB

[GrizGator]

THanks for the well wishes, TBOND.

I have to admit, my wife having a daughter has probably been a blessing in some respects...and has made the transition for her easier. I can only imagine if my wife had come alone. Yes, she would have me....and I would have the "alone" time with her. But I think she'd be pretty lonely, especially when I was away at work...or needed to work while home. So I think her child 1) gives her purpose, 2) gives her something to do, and 3) gives her some "family" here in the U.S.

As for my step-daughter....yes, she's older and therefore more mature, but at 10 years old, she's still very much a kid who clings to her mother. I would definitely not call her independent. When she is home, she is with or around her mother at almost all times.

Griz

Originally Posted by TBOND

Thanks Grizz your take makes perfect sense... you and I are about the same age and I am not quite sure if I want another child either... my lady has a five year old son... but part of me wants a child with her thinking it might make us stronger as a family... the jury is still out on that one.. And I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.....

My issues with my girls child differs from yours because my girl’s son is only five and not as mature and independent as your daughter.

I will explain more in my pending trip report.

TB

[Cap'n Jib]

Nice to see someone appreciate what they have. Children can be a real asset.

My gal has a 4 year old and it simply isn't a problem. Like mentioned in other posts, I've got the opportunity to enjoy those special years of discovery BECAUSE of her age.

[Lostagain]

As this is the second go around for me with children, I suppose the adjustment might be a little easier, but I can't imagine things being better without the little guy around. Like all children, my step-son craves attention from me and most of our difficulties arise when I don't have time or am just too exhausted to accommodate his request to "play with me." Over the last 6 1/2 years we have become closer and closer and for me, I treat him like my own son. Indeed it is his mother who tends to put a brake on things and tries to keep a little distance between us. And even she is realizing that he needs a father and is doing it less and less.

If you like kids and can be a nurturing parent, then step-kids can, though certainly not always, add a wonderful element to the relationship with your new family. If you are looking for an exclusive relationship with just your wife and you, then no matter who the kids biological father is, you are going to have problems. Kids, whether they are fathered by you or someone else, are going to tend to dominate the day to day activities in a family. But, that is the very nature of a family. If you can't accept the role children will play, then probably you should reconsider whether you want to get married at all. If you don't like kids around interfering with your adult to adult relationship with your companion, consider a simple registration as a "civil union." It's a whole lot less risky. Also, consider looking for older women whose kids are gone or who are too old for kids.

If you marry a woman of child bearing years, especially from L.Am., but really from anywhere, more than likely you are going to be dealing with her wanting kids at some point. Though the biological clock's ticking isn't so loud in the twenties, by the time she hits her thirties, that alarm will be screaming day and night. (Think of the Spaulding Gray monologue where he talks about his girlfriend's clock ticking.) You can't escape her desire to have kids and if she tells you she doesn't want them make sure she has backed up that statement with a tubal ligation, or she will most certainly exercise her feminine right to unlimited changes of her mind. And even with surgery, she might insist on trying to get it reversed.

[GrizGator]

Last week was a very good week for us. We seemed to get along great as a family and I think my step-daughter is slowly letting me into “their” life. My wife seems to have gotten over her stomach infection, so she is doing better. Now if we could only get that implant removed. Went to my mom’s house for Easter. My mom, of course, was thrilled. She has taken a shine to her new granddaughter. She is teaching her a few songs on the organ. We introduced my wife and step-daughter to Easter traditions like Easter baskets and egg coloring. I guess neither is common in Colombia. Monday night was my wife’s 29th birthday. She was thrilled with her gifts and her dinner. Things are happy right now.

The big test for our relationship will be in June and July. My wife’s mother is having serious back surgery in early June and my wife, as the only daughter, is going back to Colombia to care for her mom. Originally, her mom’s surgery (actually, I think she will be having two different surgeries in June) was supposed to be in February…but (although she won’t say so) I think my mother-in-law delayed the surgery to insure that there was no delay in my wife leaving for the U.S. My wife and step-daughter will stay in Bogota until late July, when I’ll fly down there for our vacation in San Andres Island. It will be strange for me to be “single” again (being alone in the house, cooking my own meals, washing my own clothes, cleaning the house now that my wife “fired” the cleaning lady). And the time we are apart will be the longest we’ve been apart since we’ve known each other. It is sure to be a test of our relationship. It will be interesting to see what happens when it’s time for my wife and step-daughter to return to the U.S. in early August.

It has been an interesting transition for my wife and step-daughter with regard to clothing. My wife and step-daughter dress very “Colombiana” – meaning they wear shirts that don’t quite cover the stomach, tight low-cut (and decorated) jeans, and shirts that accent the cleavage (well, my wife does). Obviously, that style of dress is very common in Colombia. But in the U.S., it is more of a teenager look (although Colombian women typically look nice in tight clothes, whereas many of the U.S. kids look bad with their “muffin tops” and their butt cracks hanging out). My wife does get looks from other women sometimes. As I buy her clothes in the U.S., I’m getting things that are still nice-looking and to my wife’s tastes, but more mainstream – flowing skirts, nice tops, etc. – clothes from Victoria’s Secret that look nice and sexy, but are not “slutty.”

More later….but I think it is time to start a new thread on “strange and interesting Colombian habits and customs.” I’ve noticed a few and am interested to learn of others.

[GrizGator]

The good news is that my wife passed her driving test on the first try this morning. Now she has her temporary license. It is good for 30 days. Given her visa situation, the license must actually come from the state of FLorida after it has reviewed all of her paperwork. The license is good for one year. Once we get her greencard, we can convert the license into a regular, 6 year Florida license. I'm not sure how much my wife will drive on her own...but at least she now is able to leave the house when I'm not around (or at least know that she CAN leave if she wants).

Are all Colombianas either hot or cold...all of the time? It sure seems like there is no happy medium for my wife and step-daughter. They are cold in the house because of the air conditioning and hot outside. I can't recall a time when they thought it was just "warm." My wife claims that all women in Bogota feel cold all of the time. Wonder if that's true. "Tengo frio" gets old after a while!

Griz

[TheBatmanDude]

Re: cold. I only dated one woman from Bogota...for a year. And every time I called her without exception she said (in spanish) It's cold and raining outside and I hate the weather, I'm so cold! So, maybe this is true.

[Lostagain]

Griz,
Get used to batching it for long home visits. The time really goes fast and you have a chance to catch up on things you didn't have time to do while they are home with you. Plan on daily phone calls and find a cheap way to call. My wife and step-son go back to Co. each summer (per the deal we made J.C.'s dad). Because of the way international travel works with children in Co., my wife has to stay there for the summer or make two trips to accompany the child and be available to sign the paperwork.

Glad to hear you're wife got her license. She'll be much better off being able to get out and explore on her own.

You will find you wife gradually modifying her style of dress. She'll find that the Colombian styles draw way too much attention from "undesirable" men who will incessantly hit on her, grope her, and the like. She'll find that she doesn't draw that sort of attention when she dresses a little more in the style common here. My wife found this out and it remedied itself. Now her only problem is that she can't find clothes that fit. Everything is way too big. If you wife is a bajita or chaparita, she will find that clothes here are made for much taller heavier women and will have a hard time finding things small enough. If she is like my wife, she'll find it's best to buy her clothes on trips to Colombia.

I don't know about where you live, but here one of the big issues is food, especially the availability of tropical fruits, or lack thereof, for jugos. Finding Colombian food products can be a challenging.

Also, depending on construction and floor covering customs in Fla., you are going to find some interesting cleaning practices. House cleaning in Colombia is based on brick, tile, and plaster construction so things can get pretty wet without a problem. My wife had some real challenges when she went to clean our bathroom here with a carpeted floor and plasterboard walls. Since then I have replaced the floor covering with tile.

[GrizGator]

Lost:

Thanks for the reply. I am a bit relieved by your comments on your wife's annual trips to Colombia. I was prepared to get hammered by the board for letting my wife go to Colombia for two months. I actually am looking at it very positively. It is summer, so my wife and step-daughter have the time available. Further, in the summer I am out of town one full day per week for 8 weeks (this summer it will be 2 days). So now I don't have to worry about them being alone. My only concern is with their English. I am already lobbying for them to continue to study every day...so they don't lose everything they learned. Obviously, it costs a lot to send 3 people to Colombia. So I'd rather send them once, for a long period of time, than have to send them 2 or 3 times per year for a shorter visit.

Since I have lived alone for so long, in a way I am looking forward to the time alone. If it's every summer for a month or so, it will probably be good for me. It will give me time to spend more time with friends, get things done around the house, save some money (lower utility and food bills), and get to spend time with my aging mother (we are going to Key West for a few days in June).

Buying clothes has been interesting. The Victoria's Secret Stuff seems to fit well, but other brands not so well. My wife is somewhat typical Colombiana - short (5'2"), relatively flaca, and nice butt.

Food has been an issue in that she can't always find the stuff she wants to make a certain dish. However, we do have a Latina supermercado in the next town, so we can get some of the things they want and like. Being in Florida, we do get a lot of certain fruits - orange, limes, and grapefruit. Some of the other fruits are more expensive - we paid $4 for two mangos the other day. So, they do not get the fresh-squeezed fruit juice that they were accustomed to drinking every day.

My wife has just recently taken over the cleaning. She learned to use a vacuum cleaner...but I think that, as my carpet wears out, I'll replace it with tile. At least part of my house is already tiled.

Griz

Originally Posted by lostagain

Griz,
Get used to batching it for long home visits. The time really goes fast and you have a chance to catch up on things you didn't have time to do while they are home with you.

You will find you wife gradually modifying her style of dress. She'll find that the Colombian styles draw way too much attention from "undesirable" men who will incessantly hit on her, grope her, and the like. She'll find that she doesn't draw that sort of attention when she dresses a little more in the style common here. My wife found this out and it remedied itself. Now her only problem is that she can't find clothes that fit. Everything is way too big. If you wife is a bajita or chaparita, she will find that clothes here are made for much taller heavier women and will have a hard time finding things small enough. If she is like my wife, she'll find it's best to buy her clothes on trips to Colombia.

I don't know about where you live, but here one of the big issues is food, especially the availability of tropical fruits, or lack thereof, for jugos. Finding Colombian food products can be a challenging.

Also, depending on construction and floor covering customs in Fla., you are going to find some interesting cleaning practices. House cleaning in Colombia is based on brick, tile, and plaster construction so things can get pretty wet without a problem. My wife had some real challenges when she went to clean our bathroom here with a carpeted floor and plasterboard walls. Since then I have replaced the floor covering with tile.